100 Ways to Kill a Doctor: Revenge of the Primates
by Daedaleopsis
Summary: When Penny finds out why her friends don't want her to break up with Leonard, she decides to make some changes in her life.


100 Ways to Kill a Doctor Halloween Challenge

(my response to Dsnynutz's prompt)

RULES:

1\. Sheldon/Penny - They can be platonic, romantic, smutty, Super Heroes/Villains, etc.

2\. Leonard/Amy's death MAY occur anytime from the Pilot thru Season 9.

3\. The death must be completed in a single chapter, although you are welcome to contribute as many different forms of death as you like as long as they are a chapter each.

4\. The story must be no more than 1,500 words long.

5\. Deadline is October 31, 2015.

* * *

"You're a lifesaver," Amy proclaimed as she slipped the vial into her purse.

Bernadette frowned. "This is dangerous. How much longer does your experiment run?"

"Just two more weeks. Then I'll put them all to sleep and dissect their brains."

The two of them stopped talking abruptly as Penny entered.

"Hey guys, whatcha talkin' about?" she asked.

"Work," Bernie said, while Amy said "Knitting," at the same time.

Penny's face fell. She'd already drank a full bottle of wine just to endure another girl's night of her so-called friends talking down to her. But the alcohol had loosened her tongue, and soon she confessed that she'd been thinking of breaking up with Leonard. She wasn't surprised that they tried to talk her out of it. Then she made the mistake of asking them why. The wine couldn't take the edge off the pain of Bernie claiming that Leonard was the best thing that would ever happen to her. Somehow, Amy's measured logic was worse. She wanted Penny to stay with Leonard to "set a good example" for Sheldon.

Penny only half-listened as Amy revealed her five-year plan to marry Sheldon and then begged them not to say anything, calling him a flight risk.

 _They think I'm stupid_ , Penny mused, _but am I the only one who sees that if Sheldon is a flight risk, then a life with Amy is his prison sentence?_ _Just like a life with Leonard would be mine._ The room spun sickeningly, and a nauseated Penny barely made it to the bathroom in time. When she emerged and announced that she was going home, the other two women didn't even have the grace to look disappointed.

"Drive safely!" Amy chirped.

Penny fumed as she left. She had to find a way to break free of these suffocating relationships.

The next night, she and Leonard had plans to see a movie with Amy and Sheldon, but she couldn't face any of them. She was now convinced that getting back together with Leonard had been a mistake, but she wasn't about to dump him publicly. She decided she would tell him later, in private.

She never got the chance. In the middle of the night, she was woken out of a sound sleep to Sheldon knocking on her bed frame. Amy had told him that Penny wanted to dump Leonard, and of course, he was worried about how it would affect him. She listened as he lectured about homeostasis, then she cut him off. Not sure if she was doing so out of concern or spite, she told him about Amy's five-year plan.

"She knows just how to manipulate you, Sheldon. Look how she made you jealous so you'd agree to be her boyfriend."

He opened his mouth, closed it, and turned red. "You're right!" he cried, horrified. "She's not a vixen; she's a bitch! And I know exactly what to do about it."

"What do you mean?" Penny asked curiously.

"Amy is researching ways to increase intelligence in her monkeys. That part has succeeded admirably, but the monkeys have also become more aggressive. Their heightened acumen was making it impossible for her to keep them imprisoned. She was afraid they would escape and attack her, so Bernadette gave her some new drug to keep them calm. It's about a thousand times more potent that Prozac."

"So that's what they were whispering about!" Penny cried. Her eyes narrowed. "I know how we can solve both of our problems at once," she whispered.

"How?" Sheldon asked.

"Tomorrow night, I'll tell Leonard that I need to take a break because I'm not sure I want to stay with him. When he comes to you all upset, you tell him how good Amy is at keeping someone in a relationship. Make it sound like you think she's clever. Tell Leonard to ask Amy for advice. In the meantime, you'll have switched that drug she's giving the monkeys for something harmless. We'll figure out a way to have them meet at her lab."

"Yes!" Sheldon cried. "I'll invite Amy out to dinner tomorrow so I can swap the vials. After you talk to Leonard, I'll tell him he can seek Amy's advice at her lab after our date."

Penny laughed gleefully. "I can't wait to see them get their asses kicked by a bunch of pissed-off lab animals."

Sheldon grinned his "kill-Batman" smile. "Neither can I," he said.

Their plan went off without a hitch. Amy was so happy that Sheldon had asked her out on a night that wasn't their normally scheduled date night that she never wondered why he was doing so. She just thought her five-year plan had gotten an unexpected boost. Sheldon had no difficulty in describing Amy's manipulativeness in positive terms to Leonard. He had always struggled to find a motivation for doing what society labeled "the right thing", so he didn't mind that Amy was devious, cunning and conniving. He was just better at it, naturally.

That afternoon, while Leonard was writing terrible poetry for Penny, Sheldon slipped down to an unoccupied chemistry lab. In a few hours, he had synthesized several grams of an artificial steroid. He dissolved it in a solution, and then sealed it in a vial identical to the one Amy had shown him a few nights ago.

While they were at the restaurant, Sheldon swapped out his vial with the one in Amy's purse. He knew that as soon as their date ended, she would be heading straight back to her lab. He had even volunteered to take the bus home so she would have more time for her work. She took it the wrong way, as a gesture of tenderness, just as he intended.

When he finally arrived back at 2311 North Robles, having angered enough fellow bus passengers to establish a credible alibi, he went directly to Penny's apartment.

"Did Leonard take the bait?" he asked.

She grinned evilly. It wasn't a comforting sight, and yet somehow, the look of her face made Sheldon' heart skip a beat. Fascinating how alluring Penny seemed when she was up to no good.

"He went tearing out of here about an hour ago," she said. "What now?"

Sheldon glanced at his watch. "By 10:15pm, I will become concerned about my roommate's whereabouts. Naturally, I would consult his girlfriend about my worries, and the two of us would go to Amy's lab in search of them. We should arrive at approximately 10:45pm. In the meantime, would you care for an impromptu game of Halo?"

"Halo? But it's not even Wednesday," Penny said flirtatiously.

"It has come to my attention that my need for consistency has actually placed me at a considerable disadvantage," Sheldon said with a crooked grin. "But I am nothing if not adaptable."

Thirty-two minutes later, Penny was clearly in the lead. Sheldon started grumbling about how it shouldn't be possible for someone so aesthetically pleasing to also be so dextrous. She leaned over and shut him up with a kiss. "I've been wanting to do that for a long time," she murmured huskily. "And you have no idea how good I am with my hands."

Sheldon swallowed hard, for the first time in his life fully aware of her innuendo. This new facet of her personality had him completely enthralled. She grinned mischievously at him as she hustled him out the door. For a moment, he had almost forgotten why they had to leave.

They found the door to Amy's laboratory hanging askew. A rank odor assaulted their senses. Penny stepped into the darkened room and promptly slipped in a pool of liquid. Regaining her footing, she turned on the lights. The scene was like something out of a horror movie. There was blood and body parts everywhere. Only Leonard's unruly curls and Amy's orthopedic shoes identified the remains. The monkeys had even defecated all over the corpses.

"Holy crap on a cracker," Penny breathed. "We did this. _We_ did this." Sheldon hadn't moved, but his eyes were shining with an unholy joy. When Penny touched his arm, he moved suddenly, his mouth descending on hers. She moaned into his embrace, then shoved him away.

"Later," she panted.

He watched in frustration as she pulled out her phone. Comprehension dawned as he she spoke with a convincing tremulo.

"Operator, please help me. Something terrible's happened..."

Once Sheldon told the police about Amy doping her monkeys, the deaths were quickly ruled an accident. By the time Penny moved in with Sheldon a few months later, Barry Kripke, Leslie Winkle and Penny's misogynist boss at the Cheesecake Factory had suffered similar "accidents". Penny and Sheldon had finally taken their fate into their own hands, and they never been happier. It was love at first death.


End file.
